Perils and rewards of foster parenting

 

When we were foster parents, I would often attend required meetings on the fifth floor of an Arlington County office building. I would look down to the street and think: “So many of these people down there are  tearing down society. These are the people propping it up.”

 

There was a couple in their 70s who had dozens of foster children over many years. At this age, they decided against more difficult teen-agers and accepted only babies. Babies, in their 70s?

 

In Cluster Springs, I recently came across a family that has taken in 15 foster children over time, mainly through Halifax County Social Services. Why would they do that? “We did it to make the world a better place,” says Gertrude Slabach, who has had six of her own children with husband David. “Sometimes parents get tired and weary and make bad choices. The goal is to get the kids back to the parents if it is a safe place.” 

 

We got into foster care in 1997 not really to save the world but  because we felt our daughter Sara, age 8 and adopted from Honduras, needed company. . Sara got along wonderfully with a 10-year-old girl, our first foster child.  The girl  acquired a life-long interest in reading when a great teacher read the Harry Potter books in class. After she returned to her mother, we had a Guatemalan refugee whose father paid to send her to find work (unsuccessfully) in this country at age 14.  Her primary language was a Mayan dialect, but she knew a little Spanish and so did we. That was our language at the dinner table. She was miserable in this country and eventually returned to Guatemala.

 

After that, we took two girls whose mother had a crack problem. Another child lived with us for a few weeks and took to skiing immediately on a nearby ski trip. And last came a 14-year-old former Russian orphan who was troublesome but who admitted later she just didn’t want a family. She was quite intelligent, and when I thought she had quickly plagiarized a paper off the Internet, I found that it was really her own work. 

 

Then came the rewards. Last Thanksgiving, our first foster child came to our house with her husband and four wonderful children for dinner with Sara’s family.

  

We kept up with the last, difficult child, now an adult, who ended up getting a B.A. in psychology at George Mason University.  And when I left my last job in 2009, she showed up unexpectedly at my retirement party. With a big smile, she proudly gave me a big hug and a  huge bouquet of flowers. It was worth it!

Getting fit for freee

 

Laverne and Shirley are my heroes.

 Oh, not the girls on the old TV show! I’m talking about Laverne Adams and Shirley Moorefield, two women in my Silver Sneakers class at the South Boston YMCA.

They take turns driving the 35 miles (45 minutes) from Brookneal to South Boston three times a week for Silver Sneakers and a water aerobics class before that.

“It keeps me going. The exercise keeps my back from hurting,” says Adams. “Another thing is the wonderful people. When you get to a certain age you have to remain active to keep your mind employed.”

The two cousins, who turn 81 this month, go through a mild routine of lifting light weights, making aerobics movements and stretching muscles, sometimes seated in chairs. In the background is the pop music from their younger years, such as “Ain’t No Stopping Us Now” and “Solid As a Rock.” And they laugh as they play catch like kids with a plastic ball to improve their coordination and balance.

The group is led by Rona Collins, an enthusiastic teacher who shouts out encouragement as if they were a couple of generations younger. “Whoo! It’s happy Friday, everybody. You’ll leave here feeling great,” she says during the seated jumping jacks.

“Everybody’s sweating!” she shouts as we pretend to kick a soccer ball to the tune of Jingle Bells.

“Go on, you can do it,” we hear as we pretend our rubber straps are bows and arrows. “But if it hurts, don’t do it!”

Since Collins began in September the class has grown from about 15 to 25 per session, some drawn from the group she used to teach at the library.  Now it includes five or six men, including me on occasion. She remembers most people’s names and even passes out water to those who need it.

“This is more than about exercise,” Collins says. “It makes them feel good about themselves. And it is about fellowship and community.” 

At one session, a woman whose son had died thanked the others tearfully for sending her a sympathy card. Collins hugged her and comforted her after the class.

Remarkably, the program is free to those who are eligible! In fact, its members can use all of the facilities at the Y or join any of its classes. The costs are paid for by many Medicare Advantage plans and policies that supplement Medica

re coverage. The companies figure they save money if their insured are healthy. The Y gets people who wouldn’t normally come.

To find out if you are covered, simply go to the website, www.silversneakers.com. You only need your card, printed from the website, to enter the Y.

 

In Defense of Soccer

 

My uncle in Newcastle, England, apologized for the boring outcome after he took me to a 0-0 soccer game in 1974. It wasn’t necessary. I had a blast watching the action, including the famous “hooligans” disrupting the game.

 

As I watch the World Cup, I think soccer is more exciting than baseball, though I have been a lifelong baseball fan. I grew up going to baseball games with my dad in a sport where seven players stand around watching two teammates play catch most of the game.  

 

My interest in soccer grew when Sara was in kindergarten and Pickett organized a team in Arlington. She knew nothing about soccer but was good working with parents and keeping the kids from running off the field to pick flowers. It took a lot of effort to get the children to play defense rather than just huddle around the moving ball.

 

As the team grew older, games became more serious. The goalie always cried when someone scored, and several times I saw parents rush onto the field and argue with the referee. One team was given a dreaded yellow penalty card when a dad became too aggressive.

 

For three summers in a row, the team came south to our bed & breakfast for a soccer camp, led by an experienced coach. One year the coach of the Halifax County Middle School girls’ team led the camp and let the girls play her older team on the school field.

 

As play got even more serious in later years, the scores started coming down. At Sara’s high school junior varsity game, the team lost  3-0. “That’s not too bad,” I remarked to Sara’s recreational soccer coach. “Mike, in soccer 3-0 is a massacre,” he said. “An absolute massacre!”

 

The coach was Latino, like many of the players, whose families were from El Salvador. In weeks ahead, I was deeply touched by this coach’s admonition when kids on another recreation league team shouted “Mexicans! Mexicans!” A racist insult.

 

After complaining to the opposing coach, he gathered the kids together and gave them the kind of talk that only a Latino coach could: Don’t be intimidated. Be strong. We have all been through this. Don’t shout insults back at the other team. Instead, be proud of your heritage. Move on  with self-confidence.

 

A lesson not only in soccer, but in life.

How to see and hear better

 

It’s amazing how much technology is available for people with visual and hearing impairments. There are a lot of advantages to living in the 21^st century.

 

I have macular degeneration myself, meaning that my central vision is not up to par, even if the peripheral vision is fine. Glasses don’t help. It makes it difficult to see average-sized type in a book or newspaper.

 

There are lots of work-arounds:

--You can easily magnify type on a computer or tablet. Because I occasionally sing and play piano at the same time, I often print out the lyrics in large type and mark the jazz chords on top in large letters with a magic marker for performing in front of others.

--The cameras on tablets are remarkably useful. Before I go to a church service, I photograph all of the hymns and read them off a 12-inch ipad.

--A phone app can be used as a magnifying glass with a light and with adjustments for choosing distances. You can get a full-page magnifier to put on top of a book page.

—There are talking thermometers and a product called Seeing AI, which tells you out loud the name of the object where you have pointed your phone.

--Audiobooks are remarkably helpful. Computers, phones and tablets also dictate texts of any online publication, e-book or website. When I read back what I write for this column, I tend to miss typos. I can have the computer read back what I write and when it says a funny-sounding word, I know to fix it.

—Voice commands allow you to tell phones and computers what you want. You can dictate texts with remarkable spelling accuracy.

—On the highway, a GPS is useful to anyone, but its turning instructions are a big help if the road sign is hard to make out. On many newer cars, safety precautions include lane assist for keeping you in your lane and automatic stops when an obstacle gets in the way.

 

And there is aid, too, for people with hearing problems, which I also experience.

—Hearing aids today can be equipped with Bluetooth receivers, which send the signal louder from your phone straight to your ears. They’ll connect, too, with the music or audiobook on the phone, as if you were wearing headphones, like a teen-anger. You can groove to the Rolling Stones during a boring lecture or sermon, while the speaker thinks you are inspired by his or her words!

 

So think twice before you curse the latest technology and long for the good old days.

 

 

Are you old? Here’s how to find out

 

How to tell you are getting old:

--The hair cutter calls you “Pops.”

--Funerals are your primary social activity.

–The 12-year-old who stopped your VCR from blinking 12:00 is now retired.

–You look in the mirror and see your Dad.

–The “golden oldies” you now hear on the radio were recorded when you were in your 40s and 50s..

–Your son or daughter joins you in ordering the “seniors’ special.”

–The photo you think is of your daughter is really of your granddaughter.

-When you talk about a 45 record, younger people have no idea what you mean.

--You walk into a room and have no idea why you are there.

–You prefer matinees to a night on the town.

–Your bosses are all younger than you.

–You have outlived most of your doctors.

–”In Memorium” is the only section you read in your alumni magazine.

–Your friends only want to talk about their surgeries.

–Not until the end of a book do you realize you have read it before.

–Spam in your mind is a canned food your parents ate.

–What used to be party time is now bedtime.

–Nobody else remembers Twiggy or James Dean.

–Your former students are now the faculty.

–You still write checks. And you keep making the first two digits “19.”

–You realize you are older than the State of Israel and post-colonial India. (But not as old as dirt.)

–When a young adult introduces you to her grandmother, you find that she is younger than you are.

–The blaring rock music you grew up with is now streamed in grocery stores to soothe shoppers.

--You mail out Christmas cards. You use stamps.

–You and your child have matching pill dividers.

–You wake up with a hangover, but you had nothing to drink the night before