Ya Gotta Know When to Fo ‘Em

  

I have a confession: I play online poker for a half-hour every night.

What? The mild guy who goes to monthly prayer breakfasts?

Yes, and I have accumulated $840 million  so far.

Oh, I forgot to mention: It is not real money.

So with a new casino opening within 30 miles, I thought I would teach them a thing or two!

I wonder if I could use  my online winnings as a bankroll. I guess not. I wonder if this newspaper would stake me. I guess not. Might this be a tax-deductible business expense? Don’t think so.

I showed up last week at Caesar’s Virginia with a line of about 12 guys waiting for the 10 a.m. opening. They all seemed to know each other. They all looked alike, about 60 years old.

This place had only been open for a month. They can’t be tourists. It turns out, a lot of them were local retired police. Do they come here every day?

They even took me under their wing. “Don’t leave your bag behind the chair like that. It will get It will get stolen.” “Remove the rack when you place the chips in front of you.” “Those chips are 5’s, the dealer can give you change.”

Hey, you are talking to a guy who spent two years in Las Vegas and occasionally plays low-stakes poker in Reno!

The biggest drawback, and the reason I probably won’t play again: I couldn’t see the cards. They had to tell me what the five “face-up” cards were in no-limit Texas Hold-em. I am too old for this.

But on the first hand, I was dealt a king and a 10 and they told me there were an ace, a queen and a jack on the flop. I have a straight! Wow.

I think I bet $30, though I’m not sure what the chips meant. On the last round a young guy, out of place in this group, raised me $100. Against my straight? You are a fool! But I folded.

“Good fold,” he said as he announced he had a full house! He was right.

I sat through a bunch of weak hands but then I was dealt an ace. There were two aces in the flop. Three aces! I checked and did not bet as I learned to do in online poker. Everybody would know I had three aces and fold. I bet a lot on the next hand though and my buddy next to me hung in there. On the last card he got a flush and won!

The worst thing of the whole day came when he told the others, “I could have raised, but felt sorry for him.”

“Leaving so soon?” He said after I lost $134 in 20 minutes. Yes, and probably forever.

Pickett was horrified, as if I had lost the house and farm. “It was for my column,” I said. “Why didn’t you just interview these people?” She said. But I had to try it. And if I had won, this wouldn’t have been such a good column now, would it?

I have not been a fan of gambling for years, and I’m not so happy to see a casino nearby. Figure how much of those former policemen’s pensions is ending up in other people’s pockets.

But I expect to eat at the restaurants. More on that later.