Wait! Don’t throw away those valuables!

 Are you a hoarder? A pack rat? Thiiscolumn should make you feel better.

I tend to throw things out, often before I should. I have maybe 10 books and no vinyl records. Why do I need them? I live in “the cloud,” oblivious to the material world.

I can get my music online and never read a book the second time. If I do save souvenirs, I tend to lose them. But here are some of the things I should have saved:

—A fax from 49ers quarterback Joe Montana complaining about a story I edited about his home satellite dish. His signature at the bottom would be worth a lot today.

—Souvenirs of presidential inaugurations and concerts, including Elvis Presley’s Las Vegas opening.

—A record album signed by baseball’s last 30-game winner, Denny McLain, after he played the organ in a Las Vegas show in 1969.

—A newspaper signed by General William Tecumseh Sherman (I think) featuring California being admitted to the union. I still have the newspaper but when I had it framed, the framer talked me into cutting off the signature.

—Clippings from most articles I have written, including a prison riot, a showgirls’ strike and interviews with celebrities.

—Music scores that I have to buy all over again on MusicNotes, the online store.

—My entire baseball card collection, including the super-valuable Hank Aaron rookie card. My dentist will tell you I didn’t throw away the gum that came with it.

I did save some things, such as newspapers about the Kennedy assassination. I never look at them, but they are probably worth more to me than to someone who would buy them. I kept my mother’s china, which is useful at our bed & breakfast. And I’ll never give up the foul ball my dad caught at a San Francisco Seals game that would have hit me in the head.

So don’t listen to people trying to get you to throw stuff out. Unless it’s your heirs, who don’t want your precious collections themselves.

 

Get rich with this column!

Come one, come all. I have the financial opportunity of a lifetime.

Yes, you. You! You can invest in this column and get rich.

That will be my pitch to the world once I wake up from this dream and get moving. I just read about fractional investments in art works, like Picassos and Goyas. A company buys the painting and sells a portion of it to investors. So, you could spend $10,000, let’s say, and have a part of a $20 million painting. Shares rise and fall with the value of the painting. (But you can’t have Mona Lisa’s nose.)

Well, why not do that with another piece of art: My fabulous writings in this newspaper?

I don’t get paid, so you may wonder what the revenue stream is. Would anyone actually buy this column? The New York Times, for example?

Well, friends. The good news is: It doesn’t matter. If you can get others to put their money in it and then sell, you make a profit. Economists call this “the greater fool theory,” though you are not fools, don’t get me wrong.

To protect their investment, my fans will go out and sell the column and promote its sterling writing to others, hoping they will hop on board before the first buyers sell out. This is the gift of capitalism, my friends!

If you don’t think much of the column, you can “short it”—bet against it. But few would want to do that, of course.

Now, you may ask why people would put their cash in something written by an old man who could croak at any minute? Well, that’s where futures trading comes in. You could bet on how long I or the column—or the newspaper—survives. If someone picks tomorrow, I had better beef up the security system in my home!

One last thought: If you were gullible enough to want to place a bet, please don’t