Get rich with this column!

Come one, come all. I have the financial opportunity of a lifetime.

Yes, you. You! You can invest in this column and get rich.

That will be my pitch to the world once I wake up from this dream and get moving. I just read about fractional investments in art works, like Picassos and Goyas. A company buys the painting and sells a portion of it to investors. So, you could spend $10,000, let’s say, and have a part of a $20 million painting. Shares rise and fall with the value of the painting. (But you can’t have Mona Lisa’s nose.)

Well, why not do that with another piece of art: My fabulous writings in this newspaper?

I don’t get paid, so you may wonder what the revenue stream is. Would anyone actually buy this column? The New York Times, for example?

Well, friends. The good news is: It doesn’t matter. If you can get others to put their money in it and then sell, you make a profit. Economists call this “the greater fool theory,” though you are not fools, don’t get me wrong.

To protect their investment, my fans will go out and sell the column and promote its sterling writing to others, hoping they will hop on board before the first buyers sell out. This is the gift of capitalism, my friends!

If you don’t think much of the column, you can “short it”—bet against it. But few would want to do that, of course.

Now, you may ask why people would put their cash in something written by an old man who could croak at any minute? Well, that’s where futures trading comes in. You could bet on how long I or the column—or the newspaper—survives. If someone picks tomorrow, I had better beef up the security system in my home!

One last thought: If you were gullible enough to want to place a bet, please don’t