Are you old? Here’s how to find out

Ignore the calendar. Follow this guide to figure out whether you really are elderly:

—At the self-service checkout, clerks always come to help you because they know you won’t be able to figure it out.

—You don’t cut your toenails anymore. You either can’t reach them or (worse) you can‘t see them.

—You can’t watch long movies in the evening because you fall asleep after one hour.

—You wrote a list of things to remember, but you can’t remember where you put it.

—You think “Dewey beats Truman” was a funny headline in 1948, but no one knows what you are talking about.

—You lost 8 pounds when you were sick, but your gut hasn’t gotten any smaller.

—You can actually remember when there was no television.

—Friends younger than you have great grandchildren.

—You order the senior special at a restaurant and your son or daughter orders one too.

—You remember the music of Neil Sedaka, who died last week. During the pandemic he put on a Facebook show every day. (You know I recorded his “Breaking Up Is Hard to Do” and sent it to him and he wrote back that he liked it!) https://youtu.be/nfAj3KfMDcs?si=PD1mxsTdDUQY4Rgu

—You say: “You don’t remember Doris Day? Everyone remembers Doris Day!”

—You type on a phone one finger at a time, never with both thumbs.

—You can’t think of a word you want to say, but it pops up in your head days later.

—You like matinees, but you always fall asleep in the second act.

—Social gatherings are difficult because you can’t remember people’s names or even their faces.

—You keep calling people in their 50s “kids.”

—You are offended by “modern music,” but on the radio it is called “oldies.” They don’t play the music you grew up with anywhere.

—You remember when the Dodgers were in Brooklyn and there were no Major League Baseball teams west of St. Louis.

—You wake up with a hangover, but you had nothing to drink last night.