Secret diary uncovered

 History is full of fake diaries - works supposedly written by Adolf Hitler, Howard Hughes, Abraham Lincoln and Queen Victoria.

The writers generally ended up in prison. But I don’t expect to get caught for a book  I would like to write. Who is going to disprove my  diary of Santa Claus?

So here goes: If he likes it, I expect my stocking to be full of goodies on Dec. 25.

Dear Diary: When I lived in Florida, I longed for relief from the heat. Then the good fairy came and told me about a job I could get in a cooler climate.

Yes, the North Pole was cold, but I survived with a long beard and my Santa Claus outfit. My employees, the elves, rounded up a herd of reindeer to help me. Hm, does that one with the red nose have a drinking problem?

But this year, half of my elves have gone on strike asking for the minimum wage. Well then, they can go look for a job at the South Pole. The other half have been deported.  Do I have to do all of this myself?

To save time, I have created a spreadsheet rating everyone who is naughty or nice.  Instead of opening letters, I am requiring kids to use the Santa app on their phones, and AI will decide who gets what.

If I am late this year, blame the Federal Aviation Administration. How am I supposed to avoid air space around all of those airports?

On Christmas Eve, I will still fly my sleigh all over the world, climbing down sooty chimneys and leaving gifts for children everywhere.

If any kids spot me putting gifts under the tree, I will make a deal: keep quiet and I will give you extra candy, but you must sign a nondisclosure agreement (NDA). If you break it, I won’t come again.

The pact was violated only once, by that awful kid who wrote “The Night Before Christmas.” No more toys for him!

As I get older, I am thinking of retiring from his job, which I do only one day a year. I think UPS and Federal Express could be more efficient, though you might get presents at 3 in the afternoon.

And the warming planet means the North Pole may not be a good home anymore either. I may have to live on a sailboat!

But enough of my complaints: Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!